everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
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I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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