Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
