Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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