I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize