The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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