I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
