When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
