how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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