Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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