Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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