My balls are so social today.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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