There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
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Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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