Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
