I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
