dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
