do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
