taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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