Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
