Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
