People in love make me want to vomit
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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