he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
