I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I need to stop coming to work sober
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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