what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
