She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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