i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're like the curious george of whores
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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