Sponge bath it is.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
that's an acceptable place to lick
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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