I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
