Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
