just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
