Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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