Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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