Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
