We named our party play list daddy issues
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
