You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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