i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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