I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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