Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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