i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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