Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
