Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
