Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
