I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
