haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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