I faked an abortion last night.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
