I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
