i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
