You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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