I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
