dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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