I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
