Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
