Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
