You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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