my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
