your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
