It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
