I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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