life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
