I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
