I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
