HIV tests are more positive than that guy
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
