Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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